Tanner twins
Only a short month following babushka’s passing, we were ready to find out the results of our second IUI attempt, and she didn’t disappoint. With babushka’s help, we found out we are pregnant. I immediately wished I could call her and let her know the news, that our dreams finally came true and all the prodding and waiting led us to this moment. We did it babushka. I know she knows. I know she is the reason this was successful. You can try to talk me out of thinking she pulled every spiritual string to make this possible, but I wouldn’t waste your time. She did it, and I have her to thank.
You know what else? Our first ultrasound, on Babushka’s birthday, proved she pulled more strings than we initially thought. We’re having two! Two little fetuses developing, two fast heart beats, two areas of brain matter. Two babies!
What a blessing. We’ve worked so long and hard for this moment - to hear “you’re pregnant” that I never considered multiples. There was always a slight chance, but it’s more likely with IVF. I can’t help but think we are finally growing our little rainbow baby from 2011, and the second is the baby we’ve been fighting to have for years. Again, what a blessing.
Since sharing our journey, I’ve been able to connect with many women who are going through similar situations. It’s been heart warming to feel that I’m not alone this time around. This was so important to me this time. I have such a strong calling to share, to talk about this, to really dive in to how difficult and lonely this struggle can be. Now that we’ve hit a critical milestone, I’d be lying if I said all my insecurities and negative thoughts are gone. Immediately after learning we were pregnant, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Society tells us different. “Do not share until you’re in the second trimester. You don’t want to jinx this pregnancy do you? Why share when there are so many suffering?” After many days of thinking this through - and, let’s be honest, lots of therapy - I have come to accept that everyone’s journey is unique and there is no playbook to ANYTHING. Some may choose to suffer in silence - I know that path all too well. Others may be okay opening up. The important part to remember is it’s YOUR choice and YOUR journey. We cannot look to others or society as a means of justifying how we are feeling. If I want to write about our high risk pregnancy at 8 weeks, and share the news with the world, that is my fucking choice.
Everyone will have an opinion, sure. I’ve already heard quite a few. But, know that I choose to see those at face value and believe that your right to an opinion doesn’t make your opinion valid. Glad I got that out of my system.