Hardly glowing, just growing

We made it to 28 weeks, ya’ll. I’ve been gathering my thoughts this whole time, because, frankly, they don’t align with the status quo of mainstream pregnancies. You know the commercials or TikTok’s of pregnant mama-to-be’s smiling and dancing around their kitchen counter. The constant “joys of pregnancy”articles I’m sent via the email lists I never signed up for. Even the ads I’m served showing mama’s happily doing it all with a perfectly round baby bump and glowing skin. I’ve felt like a fraud. How could something we’ve worked so hard to achieve feel like a burden or a curse.

Now, don’t take this out of context. The joy and gratitude I feel when I think about our future family life with Emma and Rylee is indescribable. I cannot wait to hold them in my arms, to see Brett become a dad, and to watch them grow.

But, there’s the dark side that is seldom discussed. As a woman, we are already at a disadvantage. We do have to work a little harder to prove our worth and that we know what we are talking about in various areas. Since learning I was pregnant, I’ve seen a shift in how I’m treated. I’m a vessel. A carrier of twins. Forget my education, years of experience, my business, and everything I’ve fought hard to achieve. The only factor that has mattered is whether I’m doing everything I can to carry these children through to term, based on preconceived notions.

I do not disagree. This is one of my greatest accomplishments and I’m proud of what my body has been able to handle so far. But to say I’m glowing through it is complete bullshit. I threw my back out the other week just by putting my pants on for work. There’s nothing more humbling than lying naked with your pants around your ankles screaming for your husband to help you up. Or to have your mom rush over to man handle you into her car to get you to a doctor. My shoes don’t fit, everything aches, and I’m covered with bruises and stab marks on my fingers, thighs, and belly from the gestational diabetes and insulin treatments. Anything to keep these babies healthy.

My mind is cluttered with thoughts of “not being good enough” for the girls, for my husband, and for my career. The pregnancy brain doesn’t help. Im in a constant battle of “I know this” and “why can’t I remember.” When you feel like a shell of the person you used to be pre-pregnancy, you tend to lean in more to the things you can control, like your work. Unfortunately, that’s changed as well. Constant prep for the upcoming leave, the unsolicited advice about being a parent, and questioning whether you’re okay when you’re visibly unable to keep up with everyone or resting your feet on a box you found. All a reminder that you’re no longer the same hard working woman that achieved your role, rather a pregnant woman that will be taking time off. And, when you’re Type A, boy does that cut deep. I feel like a burden to my team. They didn’t ask for this, nor did they have a say in timing. This feels ridiculous as it’s being typed, but the reality is that these are all thoughts that have crossed my mind.

To the very minimal people I’ve divulged these thoughts to, I’ve been asked how they can help. I appreciate that so much. Please indulge me in the list of ways you can interact with pregnant women based on my own experiences:

If you are lucky enough to have a pregnant woman divulge to you that they are having a hard time, please don’t respond with “it will only get harder.”

If you’re shown the nursery that was put together with the mama-to-be’s last bit of energy, say it looks beautiful regardless of whether it fits your style

Don’t forget to ask how the mama-to-be is doing, not just the baby.

If you hear someone is having multiples, don’t respond with “better you than me” or “you’re really in for it.”

Don’t comment on belly size being too big or too small for their term. That will stay with mama-to-be and cause more harm than good.

Offer help, but accept that space is needed. Sometimes giving mama-to-be space is the best gift of all.

Please stop asking whether a pediatrician has been picked out, a birth plan is set, or if you are breast feeding. Not only do none of those questions have any impact on your life, they also cause anxiety about the entire process that is entirely out of the mama-to-be’s control when it comes down to it. Especially with how unpredictable multiple pregnancies are.

Offer to go for a massage or mani/pedi instead of the above questions. That will go a long way.

Don’t tell mama-to-be she’s glowing just to say it. The glistening and rosey cheeks are likely from the walking she just had to do, the heat/humidity, or just pure exhaustion. It’s not a compliment. It’s okay to stick to you look beautiful or gorgeous, you know, the normal compliments, because becoming pregnant doesn’t magically make you radioactive.

I do hope if someone else feels these feelings or thinks these thoughts, they know that they are not alone. It’s okay to not feel the way “society” tells you you should. It’s okay to think thoughts that aren’t positive once in a while. This is HARD. Pregnancy is HARD. And that’s okay. You’re creating life IN ADDITION TO all the other roles you’re already juggling. Keep going. Keep shining - internally, because that pregnancy glow is bullshit.